Seven Things Not to Say to an Alienated Father

Originally posted on  Men’s Rights Sydney

Author: BK

Seven Things Not to Say to an Alienated Father.

As alienated fathers we’re all too familiar with the evil of mothers who think it’s their right to take our children from us and to choose who gets to father our children. We’re also intimately familiar with the evil of those who pass and enforce the laws that keep us from our families, those who make it so easy for these mothers to steal our children. That said, there are a lot of amazing and good people in this world and being an alienated father brings some of these people, and the beautiful things they do, to our attention.

I for one am just over two years into my fight for my son and at this point there are two things which I know to be true: I would never have gotten this far without my family, and the endless support they have provided me, not just moral support but practical as well; and some people think they are saying something supportive or encouraging which is actually anything but. I’ve got amazing friends and family but as far as I know none have been through the fight I’m in, nor do too many really known anyone fighting the fight I’m in.

Some of these people have said things that I have no doubt was meant to be supportive though the reality for me fell short of that. The resulting conversations as I responded to their comments tended to be quite enlightening for all, I hope.

That said, this list is by no means definitive nor comprehensive, it is simply built from observations I have made when telling people my story and hearing their thoughts. If I’m honest I don’t think I could have done any better at trying to encourage an alienated father if I hadn’t been through this trauma already.

Another father  may have a different experience to mine but I offer this list for two reasons: as an opportunity to communicate to our supporters what it’s like to hear some of these things, and an encouragement for fathers who may not immediately understand why some of the things our loved ones say don’t always sit so well.

So, to begin, this is to me possibly the worst one:

1. ‘Your child(ren) will come back to you when they’re old enough.’

Will they though? This is cold comfort to a father. I was heartbroken the first time I heard this. To me it’s the same as saying, ‘Oh well, better luck next time’. I am a father. To be a father I need my child with me. I have a physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and psychological need to have my child with me and to raise him like a father should. I love him more than life and every day I am not with him I am broken anew. When I’m at home and I think of him and want to see him knowing there’s no way that will happen, I die a little more. When I see fathers, or men who look to be grandfathers, on the street or in the local shopping centre with their children/grandchildren I die a little more. Why does he get to have what I’m stopped from having?

I have love to give and there is no one on this planet I have a built-in need to give that love to more than my son. I want him here and now. I want to raise him and guide him. I want to teach him. I want to make him laugh and I want to laugh at the funny things he does. I have an empty home full of children’s toys and I need my child to play with them. I simply cannot wait till he’s older, by then these toys will be long gone.

On a more ‘sciencey’ note I’d like to suggest people read ‘Divorce Poison’ by Dr Richard Warshak because not only does lived experience tell us that in fact, no, these alienated children often don’t come back to the alienated parent, but scientific research tells us the same thing. Dr Warshack’s research shows that the best thing for an alienated child is to be returned to the alienated parent. The brainwashing of some of these children can be so intense that if they are not returned to their fathers in the midst of their hatred for him, in fact, they don’t return at all. In even more fact, they blame their fathers for not being there. During these years of alienation the mother is given free rein to tell the children whatever she wants about the father, including the heinous and abusive claim that he chose to leave because he doesn’t want them. Does anyone honestly think a mother who alienates a father will tell the children he loves them and can’t wait to see them again?

I’ve heard these stories from older men as well. I’ve heard the unspeakable heartache in their voices as they’ve told their stories. The idea that I may have to wait another, what, fourteen, fifteen years for my now two-year-old son to come back to me is no comfort. In fact just thinking about that as I write this fills me with an emotion I doubt I will ever have the words to express.

What if that did happen though? What if I lost my son and didn’t see him till he came to me in fifteen years’ time? What of the years we lost? What of his childhood, schooling, sporting and personal experiences that I missed out on? Do you think it’s enough for me to just be told about these things after they’ve happened? Would you be ok with that for you and your children? None of us are comforted by the idea of not seeing our children till they’re adults so please don’t suggest it.

2. ‘Soon enough your child will be asking for the car keys.’

Now I’ve only heard this spoken by people in the family law system. People who are paid by the system and have no emotional investment in your child. They say it not really to encourage or affirm you but to shut you up and settle you down. The family law system works so painfully slow that fathers are missing huge chunks of their children’s childhoods but his lawyer just wants him to be patient while a bunch of strangers, people who don’t know the father nor his family, decide whether his children get to be a statistic.

The issue I have with this comment is that it is exactly the problem us fathers have and why we’re so impatient. Children grow up so fast and alienated fathers are missing out on that time. It’s time that disappears in a heartbeat. Unsurprisingly, the most grievous thing for me in this statement is that it flies in the face of what child care and parenting experts say, which is, to cherish every moment with your children because they will grow up so fast!

‘You don’t need to take that call now,’ they say. Pay attention to your child.

‘You don’t need to go on that business trip, do you?’ they ask. Stay home with your family.

‘Go on, take your children to the park.’

Because of busyness more and more parents today are having to be encouraged to spend more time with their children and take a larger interest in their lives (who are these negligent parents, bring them here so I can slap them), so why are alienated fathers being told the exact opposite? We’re being told to not worry about, and not rush, the time we’re spending without our children when it is exactly that absence that is causing the problems they will face as fatherless children. It’s that absence causing our heartbreak. It’s that absence pushing fathers to suicide out of hopelessness.

3. ‘The Family Court is fair and reasonable and have your child’s best interest in mind.’

This comment is made by possibly well-meaning though painfully ignorant people who have zero understanding of the court system. No father who has ever even been near a family court will believe this statement for one simple reason, it is profoundly and completely untrue. Look at the fatherlessness statistics then look at how many fathers are fighting for their children. The courts in this country are ejecting fathers from their children’s lives by the thousands every day.

The courts will look for any reason to remove a father from his children’s lives while looking for any reason to keep a mother in her children’s lives. ‘Did the father say something we don’t like? Get rid of him.’ ‘Is the mother addicted to drugs? Weeeell, the children need a stable home. Don’t worry about it.’ Children are losing fathers for no reason other than the mother doesn’t want him there. She’ll make up some of the most disgusting lies about his actions and with no proof the court will ban the children from having their father and you want us to believe they’re fair!

The courts are not fair to fathers. The courts are not reasonable to fathers. The courts do not have children’s best interests in mind. Even if I grant the point that the courts do actually operate with the best interest of the child, I will only grant that with the provision that the best interest is their end goal. You may say, ‘Case closed then, what’s your problem?’

My problem is that the best interest of the child should not be the end goal, it should be the entire journey. Some cases go through the courts for years but what the courts do is start with the assumption that the father must be removed from the family for the ‘protection’ of the mother and children. Then, and only then, will they bother considering whether to let him back in. That is pure evil. We state time and again in father’s groups that on family breakdown the presumption should be 50/50. Both parents should be equally involved unless there is clear and convincing evidence of danger to the children. Not just the mother’s say-so and not with the presumption that the father is the only problem.

You cannot deny children their father just because the parents divorced. All of this doesn’t even touch on the fact that making the above claim gives the father false hope that he stands an equal chance when the system is entirely weighted against him.

4. ‘There’s no hope.’

Even to me this one feels like a contradiction of number three and must, for the casual observer, feel like I’m serving up a dish of confusion. A ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ dichotomy, if you will. I feel I may really be addressing this point to other alienated fathers more than our supporters. The reality of our situation, and the fact that it often feels like it will never end, can really tear away every ounce of positivity the average man can pretend to have. It is this that can cause problems when we speak with other fathers who may be new into the fight.

I for one will put my hand up to say that at my lowest I felt the world pressing down on me and was barely swimming above the waves. If you were to have asked me then about it all I may very well have said there’s no hope and no point to fighting. The ease with which mothers control the courts and the police and the indifference with which those groups will remove a father from his children, we have too much against us; what’s the point!

Well, much of the above is true but fathers should be not only encouraged to fight, we must be armed with knowledge of our enemy. By all means, tell me about what I’m up against but please, don’t take away the fool’s hope I have that my son will come out of this without being a statistic of fatherlessness.

Sun Tzu is quoted as saying: ‘Know thyself, know thy enemy.’ Going into our fights knowing what we’re up against should serve to prepare us not deter us. The only time there is no hope for a father is when he gives up his fight before it begins. There is always hope even if it’s only that the father did everything he could and it was the court that stopped his progress.

Anger is justified, bitterness is unavoidable, but hopelessness is fatal.

5. ‘Just keep fighting.’

This one I feel really needs clarifying. If you say the above but don’t follow it up with ‘…and I’ll help you’, then you’re not helping. I often see memes on Father’s Rights and Men’s Rights social media pages that say, ‘You’ll never know what it’s like unless it happens to you’, or something to that effect. God bless whoever thought that up because truer words have never been spoken. If you’re a father fighting for his children against the Goliath that is everything you’re up against, you couldn’t possibly imagine the emotional and physical toll it takes on you.

During my fight it wasn’t unusual for me to just stop. Stop everything. Just stop. I couldn’t write another word of my affidavit. I couldn’t write another word of an assignment for my class. I couldn’t even write my thoughts down in preparation for an article about fatherhood and my experiences like this one. I just stopped. I wanted to keep fighting. I had every intention of it but I was only able to it with the help I got from my family. They drove me forward when I had nothing to get me moving.

I mentioned the help my mother has given me. She even went so far as to write things and make phone calls and organise things when she saw that I couldn’t. I can only assume she saw that I just didn’t have the energy and couldn’t make that phone call or write that word.

My brother, being the only family I have in the same State as me, was a saving grace as well. He could only do so much but what he was able to do added that much needed buoyancy to my struggle against drowning.

We want to keep fighting but no man is an island, as they say. Even the strongest of us can collapse when we see the insurmountable obstacles between us and our children. If you honestly want us to keep fighting we need your help. This doesn’t even address that we shouldn’t have to fight in the first place.

6. ‘Some father’s groups are just full of bitter men.’

OK, you got me there. This is undeniably true. However, that proves exactly how important these groups are and how helpful it is for men to know they aren’t alone in this fight.

Before making touch with father’s groups on Facebook I didn’t personally know a single man who went through what I was going through. And other than my own father, before he remarried, I don’t think I personally knew any single fathers. Certainly not anyone who defined himself as a single father. Right at the start of my fight I met a guy who told me about his experiences, in fact he is the perfect example of why the Number 1 entry in this article is so unhelpful. His adult children will speak to him but the brainwashing was too damaging, and from what I understood, they wouldn’t hear of their mother’s wrongdoing. I would question the sanity of a man who could experience the abuse that the family courts and other government organisations serve to fathers and not quickly become bitter.

Those ‘bitter men’ really didn’t change the issue that I needed to find men going through similar things. Like anyone else on this planet I needed to know I wasn’t alone and needed to hear the stories of those who had been through it and who were still going through it. To think an alienated father shouldn’t make contact with a father’s group just because some of them are bitter is to chop off his foot only to demand he run a marathon.

Further, not every man in these groups are the bitter and hateful people feminists and the media pretend we are. Some are there because they want to help other fathers. They want to be there for the exact reason why fathers like me need them, to help us through it. We need people who know what’s going on and the bitter men may very well be the ones most in need of these groups. Imagine telling someone they’re too sick for a hospital.

These groups are here to help and we’ll quickly know if they aren’t doing that, at which point we can be on our way and there will be another group out there more suited to our needs.

7. ‘Man up and take responsibility for yourself.’

I’m not sure there is a phrase that makes me as angry as ‘man up’. Could there be a more insulting term? Maybe, but this is a bad one. Here’s the problem with it just within the context of parental alienation. It’s usually said by people who think that if a man is to put his foot down about something and ‘be a man’ then he will get his way. Like I’m supposed to walk into court one day and make my demands before dropping the nearest microphone on the ground in ‘thug-life’ victory then walk out. That’s not how it works. That’s the surest way to lose.

I’m not exaggerating when I say that men acting like ‘men’ is often what’s used against us in court. What do I mean by that? No, I don’t mean men are inherently violent, I mean that, in relation to families, both the courts and the police hate men. If a man stands up for himself and demands to have access to his children that is literally considered domestic violence and may be the end of his relationship with his children forever.

The whole idea of this phrase suggests that it’s the man’s fault. That somehow he is lacking and if only he were a real man then he wouldn’t be in this situation. That is profoundly monstrous. The entirety of family law and the way it is administered by the courts is to disempower men. It is to literally take from him everything he values and everything he loves (everything that makes him who he is) and then tell him to beg like a dog for the possibility of a treat.

Alienated fathers not only don’t choose to be alienated, there is nothing they can do to expedite the process of fixing it. We are entirely, and without exaggeration, at the mercy of our child’s mother and whether she is interested or not.

Not long ago, to my horror, it was another father who told me that a time I was being abused in front of my son by his mother and her friends wasn’t abuse, it was a test. I had failed that test because it was up to me to put up with the abuse, not that he called it abuse, and respond in a way that showed they ‘weren’t getting to me’. No matter that I was being abused in front of my son. No matter that I’m a human being and don’t deserve to be treated like that. To him, I had failed as a man and the cause of that fight and the repercussions were my fault, even though they weren’t. It would take a poet to put into words exactly how much of an idiot that guy was and how wrong he was; completely and eternally wrong. Yet he was part of a father’s rights group. Amazing.

We have a massive problem in this society in regards to men and the value we place on fatherhood. It is painfully clear to those of us fighting the courts that fatherhood is entirely disposable. Sometimes a father is banned from his children just because the mother is causing so much trouble the courts want to pretend things will be better for the children without the father (cause it’s his fault the mother hates him).

It seems that no one cares about the children. No one stops to think that just maybe the children would be better off with the father full time until the mother receives serious psychological help. This attitude needs to change. This is why father’s rights groups exist. It’s our children who are suffering the most from this hatred and what makes it worse is that some of them will never see their father again, not just from alienation but because huge numbers of fathers every week in this country are committing suicide over family court issues. No one outside of father’s rights groups care.

This will change with us but we need our loved ones to help. Be sure it’s not just your encouragement but your involvement, active and passionate, that will get us moving forward. We know those in power don’t care. We know those within the courts don’t care. We know women’s groups are militantly against us and want to maintain their power and influence over family matters. None of this is good enough, so we must start with educating society since many of them are just wandering through a feminist haze naively thinking that what feminists say about domestic violence and custody matters is the truth.

We need to be the driving force behind the change in social understanding of fathers so that we can build our numbers. Then, and probably only then, will the politicians be concerned enough about our voting power to change what they’re supporting.

Let me reiterate. This list is not comprehensive. It isn’t offered to cover the whole experience of alienated fathers. A father reading this may already have a mental list of things people have said to him with the best of intentions that ended up causing more stress or concern than was meant. Maybe based on responses another list will be written but for now this is my list offered as a means to invite you into an alienated father’s experience. It expresses the concerns I’ve had communicating with people who struggle to find the right words to build me up. But built up and encouraged I must be and so must all other fathers who are experiencing this because none of us will fight a more important war.

About the author:

BK is a father and a freelance writer based in Melbourne. He’s currently studying writing

with a view to better put his thoughts and life-lessons into words.

26 thoughts on “Seven Things Not to Say to an Alienated Father

  1. I am a single father who was lucky enough to remain the soul provider and custodian of his kids. I cannot imagine the pain and frustration these fathers go through. For me to attempt to shut my childrens mothers out of their lives would take an extremely serious matter that impacted their safety and well being. I shudder to think of the cruelty inherent in those people who feel this is just a default position and those who must suffer parental alienation to be justifiable collateral damage. Nothing is more important than my children and I see fathers everywhere who feel the same. Any society that does not think the bond between father and child is worth protecting has lost it’s way and deserves every calamity that befalls it.

      • Yes but YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THE HIGHEST PERCENTAGE FOR DECADES ARE FATHERS, OMG women (MOTHERS), especially Caucasians are the most cruel selfish ppl … there’s coming a time when no man will marry and the birth rate will nearly zero out.

      • The moral argument exists outside of any mention of numbers. The fact is that it is just flat out wrong for any parent, of either sex, to engage in any form of parental alienation. I hope we can all agree on that.

        The numbers are only relevant when you are trying to determine the forces behind the phenomenon and how to fix them.

        I’d rather not see blanket statements like “women (MOTHERS), especially Caucasians are the most cruel selfish ppl” on this blog. It’s not true and it’s not helpful.


  2. It’s true mothers are sometimes also put in this position but by far and away it’s mostly fathers. Children come second to the money. One parent is either scapegoated or set up. Yes, sometimes fathers and even some mothers deserve it but we have a legal system devoid of morals and ethics and grossly gender biased. Lawyers milk the parents for all it’s worth with full government support to the detriment of whatever is left of the family and society itself. What a sad excuse for a supposed progressive society.

    • Most mothers sacrifice silently but very few outside the home seem to be able to notice that. They are punished by bitter fathers in many ways. Talking out of experience, some men are using the these of allienation to get attention. If the ex-partners don’t calm down after appr. an year after they’ve separated, they have most likely a mental issue.

      • I strongly disagree. In the vast majority of cases, it is the father that is screwed over and denied reasonable access to their children, in most cases for no good reason. On top of that they are also forced to pay punitive levels of child support, even when they are supposed to have access but are not able to see their children at all due to the mother acting as a gatekeeper. The family court is quick and vigilant when it comes to ensuring that child support payments are made but extremely lacsidaisical when it comes to enforcing father’s custody orders.

        That is not equality, that is female privilege.

        You say that fathers are bitter? Damn right they are and with damn good reason too! How DARE you be critical of these fathers? It’s attitudes like yours that have CREATED the current biased system.

        Out of interest, just how long after a breakup should a father give up on seeing their children in your opinion? A year? 2 Years? 5 years? Better yet, why the hell should, or would, he EVER give up at all? Would you give up on seeing your kids? Ever? I damn well wouldn’t.

        Until the family court recognises the rights and benefits of loving fathers being in a child’s life in a material way (i.e. they start from a position of assumed equal custody in contested cases) then we will continue to be critical of the entire family court system for being both gynocentric and misandric, just as you appear to be.

        If you think fathers are using the fact that they have been forcibly separated from their kids as some kind of weapon to get at their ex then you, my friend, are nothing but a filthy bigot and you exemplify the prevailing feminist/gynocentric attitude that doesn’t even consider the pain and anguish that alienated fathers are forced to go through because you just don’t care.

        Being separated from your kids is bad enough but pile on top of that the fact that you have been separated unjustly by an institution whose entire purpose is supposedly to dispense justice but is as biased as hell and carries the full force of the state and you get a special type of hell that is reserved almost entirely for men.

        Frankly, your attitude makes me sick.

  3. Thank you BK for putting into words what I have experienced while fighting my ex and the Family Court to be a meaningful father to my son for the last 11 years. I did avoid ‘fathers’ groups because of what was said about them but now that I have my 16 year old son living with me full-time, your words have inspired me to look for the nearest ‘fathers’ group to offer my support. Rob N.

  4. In a forced 4-year custody battle that was terribly destructive for all concerned, I have to say that, while pretty much everything on this list happened and a helluvalot more, I never heard #6. But I will say that this merely scratches the surface, and, at least here in NW Chicago’s Lake county, the Family Court lawyers and judges are so obscenely and overtly corrupt it is staggering — you’d think you were in some Third World kangaroo court. When you hear two opposing lawyers in the hallways planning who gets to “win” because his client has more money; when the people you’ve hired and fathers’ rights groups you donated to take your money and do nothing in return; when your judge let’s your wife’s attorney falsify an order in his name and threatens you with 6 months in prison for protesting it while his own clerk is openly supporting you because she’s so shocked her boss is that nakedly unethical; when it takes several months, 4 trips to court and $20,000 to get a restraining order keeping your wife’s convicted felon, drug-addict, violent pedophilic boyfriend away from your Autistic teenage daughter; then the rest of the above list pales in comparison to hearing that #1 over and over and over again as friends and even family tell you to just let go, to turn your back on the child you raised.
    Thanks for a good article and an unvarnished window into the insanity.

  5. My ex did this. It is horrific for me and my sons. It is all about control. People who would do this to their children and former spouse have NO concern for the kids’ emotional well-being, if they can use the children to get back at their ex. And, you are right–no one could understand this if they have not been through it. My alienated sons have finally started to see the light, and I am grateful, but we have lost a great deal which we will never get back. And so far, they clearly need a lot of time and I am not sure what else before they will realize that much of what they have been taught about me is just a lie: First and foremost, that I left my ex because I didn’t want to be a mother anymore.

  6. Every situation is different. It’ sad when great dad’ are alienated simply due to a mother’ own hurt and spite. I wish I had an ex that and had our children’ best interest at heart. When the court delegates a certain time for a father it’ an opportunity for him to focus on the child. Had my ex been a stable loving father that sincerely wishes to send time with his girls. I would feel at peace with his being around them. I was allowing him to visit them in our home until he started dozing off, slurring, and stumbling in pilled up sates. Then I started (court ordered) dropping them to visit at various places. Rather than focusing on them,…he grills them about my personal business,meets up with drug connections, rants on the phone, uses them as bait for other single mothers, and complains to them about the quarter ordered support he pays. I know my children wouldn’t exist without him, but I wish I chose a better father for them. It gets to where a mother has no other choice but to be the voice of her children. In my situation,….court is not listening.

  7. My spouse is an alienated father to his psychotic ex baby mamma, and if it weren’t for us having a son together, he would most definitely be in a very fragile state. Not only was he ripped from his beautiful year old baby girl, but the heartless mother gets him thrown in jail for four months for claiming he “strangled” her. My family and I spent thousands of dollars getting him a good attorney. She dropped the charges, but the state picked them up! Slapped him with two felonies for the same thing! I was outraged. I know it’s discrimination because my spouse is Native American. To this day he does not get to see his baby girl because the mother is angered I had a child with him. Parental alienation is a form of child abuse! She is no where near being an adult and I’m sure she is feeding her child lies about his father. He loves her more than life itself and has her best interest at heart, while baby mamma drama uses her as leverage. It’s sickening and I’m appalled this shit is legal. My heart goes out to all who are suffering.

  8. It’s important to understand the magnitude of the problem. This situation did not come about suddenly and does not exist in isolation. We have a legal, medical, educational, welfare and media systems that act in concert to produce this. The sad truth is that 50% of voters have consistently voted to produce this system over the period of several generations that is set against them. It is the product of decades of lobbying and activism, not just from women’s groups but plenty of other vested interests. As someone above said, there is a lot of money to be made out of all this misery.

    Men are simply at present not sufficiently organised and activist to push against this on the scale and for the duration required. How much of this is inate and how much cultural is an open question. The simple act of trying to discuss this issue is dismissed as a bitter conspiracy theory by a disgruntled father.

    My advice to current fathers is to have your eyes wide open as to how tilted the system is against you. I know a lot of you don’t think that it will happen to you but for a large proportion (majority?), it will. If it does and you do enter this system, the only questions will be whether you get to see your kids fortnightly or less; if your assets should be divided roughly 70/30 against you or less; plus child support for the remaining term, where the incentives are structured so that the less you see your children, the more the other parent gets paid. In criminal law, the burden of proof required is high. In family law, an allegation by a disgruntled ex will be sufficient to take it all, no proof required.

    To those men who are not yet fathers, I would urge you to strongly consider whether you really would like to have kids under a system such as this.

    • This is unfortunately exactly the case and is the major driving force behind the MGTOW movement and the male Marriage Strike.

      Marriage is no longer a viable option for men. The risks are far too high and the benefits increasingly scarce. Only a small proportion of men have realised this but the number is growing every day.

      Unless things change soon, in under 10 years a significant proportion of men are going to be totally uninterested in relationships with women and will be content to pursue other interests, just as many men are already doing now.

      When it becomes apparent to the average women that they have a very slim chance of ever finding a partner, I doubt very much that they will be very complimentary to the women who came before them and created this situation.

  9. I am an alienated Parent, as well and have heard these ridiculous motivation killers too many times. I think BK said it perfectly, I felt his pain. I say WE the alienated people unite and stand together, not divide our numbers by gender. PA is cruel no matter if your the Mother or the Father, it’s not gender specific. I know because I’ve been fighting for 11 years and it’s still seriously painful and misunderstood. I wish I could explain PA, but I’m afraid it’s one of those things ya just have to go through to understand. I think that’s why it’s not well known or understood. Let’s nip PA in the butt for all parents!

    • I am extremely sorry for your pain. As a father myself I can imagine the horror and anguish that being forcibly separated from them would cause, not to mention the anguish of the children at being separated from their mother (or father in my case). I would not wish such a thing on my worst enemy.

      I wholeheartedly agree. Dividing this issue along gender lines is ridiculous, as is dividing most issues along gender lines. Our hope is that both men and women are treated fairly in this, and in all other, issues instead of having one “legitimate” parent and one second-class parent as is currently the case. The fact that the second-class parent is overwhelmingly the father has put this issue on our radar but we deplore the entire system of primary and secondary custody. The family court should be starting from an assumptive 50/50 custody and then take other issues into consideration depending on the individual situation. That is the only truly fair solution.

      I sincerely hope that you are able to have meaningful contact with your children in the very near future.

      Best wishes.

  10. Pingback: 7 Things Not to Say to an Alienated Father – A Single Father

  11. A three year nightmare where if it has been a journey through the most incomprehensible pains: hellish emotions and thoughts. The Loneliness that ensued after my children were taken from me , the loss of all reinforcing and nearly the loss in humanity itself. I am still fighting an uphill battle but have my children a few days a week. The financial support is above and beyond the legal limit, so the systemic fashion by which these monsters that levy and support the decisions made solely by a mother who has no interest than self serving and saving of their ego… /face leaves life and its living difficult to say the least. I identified with the seven no no’s to say to us…. I pray for you and my thoughts are with you and your child..


  12. Hi BK,

    You have simply penned down thoughts of almost every alienated father. The pain you and all alienated parents going through is something too enormous to bear. Parental Alienation act appears to be a problem not only prevailing in my country or your country. It appears to be far spread across many countries than we can expect or even realize.

    I am from India and I feel it’s time all victims of Parental Alienation across globe get united and raise voice at world level in unison. Together we can make bigger difference than in fragmented ways. We should not just limit ourselves to fight for ourselves but unite in our fight against this evil and eliminate it from world as small pox has been eradicated. Well, this is possible and I need your and every parent who is alienated’s support.

    Through this mail I wish to seek an opportunity to connect with group of brave hearts who are member of “mensrightsydney” and unite at first step and look at other groups across world getting united and raising our voice.

    Hope to get support from you group members. Do link with me at “” to take this further.

  13. I have watched my partner go through hell and back over and over again through the continued and escalating acts of his ex wife. Where/who is there to turn for help? There is nothing you can do. After stealing his children, turning them against him in the cruelest way, he is now navigating a legal system that is making him fight to prove a statement about child support, that was agreed to by both parties, in a court order! Honestly, it is hell financially, not to mention emotionally. He has documented PTSD and is struggling to cope. She has taken most of his super, she is now getting most of his fortnightly salary as “reclaiming child support” (despite the documented and agreed to over payments he has made), and now we hear she has accepted a high paying job, after refusing to work for all of the years they have been separated. Centrelink continues to be of little use, contradiction after contradiction – depending on the person you talk to – its quite incredible. I completely agree that much of domestic violence and abuse stems from males, and this is hideous, disturbing and unacceptable no matter who the perpetrator, but it is not the case in all situations! How can there possibly be a one size fits all solution to family law? These children are without a father, they believe the very worst of him and have missed out on years of a relationship as she has systematically reduced their contact and found every way possible to hurt him. It is abuse at a level that can lead to suicide – I know, because without extended family support, counselling and medical intervention, this would have been the case. As I said in my introduction, who can you turn to? There is no help.

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